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Random Thoughts

Hair today

Hudson Cooper
Posted 12/24/21

Even during a pandemic, one tradition for the Christmas season remains. You better not pout because Santa Claus is still planning on coming to town. Well, sort of. Oh, he will still be delivering …

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Random Thoughts

Hair today


Even during a pandemic, one tradition for the Christmas season remains. You better not pout because Santa Claus is still planning on coming to town. Well, sort of. Oh, he will still be delivering toys for the children if the FAA gives his reindeer-powered sled any air space between the FedEx, UPS and Amazon planes. But his presence at malls and department stores will be different.

To prevent a super spreader event, the children will have to remain socially distant. There will be no lap sitting. Instead, standing six feet away, kids will shout their wish list to Santa hoping he hears their requests over the piped in holiday music and elves complaining about not having a coffee break.

When I look at Santa with his fluffy white beard, I wonder if Mrs. Claus checks his nose, ears and eyebrows before sending him off from the North Pole. It is difficult to figure out Santa’s age, but like many mature men, advanced age brings nature’s follicle joke. As the hair on men’s heads diminish, it sprouts up at unwanted places.

Lucky men have hair that slowly changes from their youthful colors to shades of grey. But a large number of maturing men gradually lose their hair in a variety of patterns leading to baldness.

In 1842 Julius Robert Mayer developed the Law of the Conservation of Energy. Now it is called the First Law of Thermodynamics. Essentially it states energy is neither created nor destroyed. Instead, energy morphs into different forms.

I am developing the Law of the Conservation of Hair. I suppose pundits will someday refer to it as the First Law of Follicledynamics. As the follicles on your scalp begin to call it quits, hair sprouts up in unexpected places. Interestingly those new places have something in common. Nostrils and inner ears are both cave-like openings.

There are many theories that purport to explain why hair growth transitions from your head to the ears, nose and sometimes eyebrows. Experts disagree but many believe the explanation can be found in your genes. Not the jeans you might be wearing but the genetic code that dictates how we evolve.

Concerning hair, the genetic code programs what color hair we have as well as whether it’s curly or straight. The code might also control the sudden growth of nose and ear hair as we reach middle age. There also exists the idea that somehow testosterone is responsible for baldness and the subsequent rapid growth of nose and ear hair bushes.

As yet, nobody seems to have dedicated their life and expertise to study the cause of head follicle transformation. That is a million-dollar idea that is ripe for the taking.

Imagine the fortune you would make if you discovered how to reverse the process so that the cessation of hair growth in your nose and ears would cause the follicles on top of your head to come alive!

If you were successful, you would suffer the wrath of wig manufacturers, hair implant emporiums and the haberdashery industry that relies on men buying hats to hide bald spots.

Imagine if a company developed drops that once applied to your nose and ears, caused those follicles to wither and promoted regrowth of hair on scalp bald spots. I suggest the name “Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow.”

That product would also help Santa Claus and children. When the pandemic ebbs, children will once again sit on his lap to vocally give him their gift wishes. Once Mrs. Claus administers a few drops of “Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow” to his clumps of ear hair, Santa will eventually be able to actually hear the children’s wish list.

Wishing all of you a Merry Christmas!


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