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Soccer to me

Hudson Cooper
Posted 12/2/22

Maybe it was part of the television game plan to educate Americans about the sport that is the most popular worldwide. Thanks to the success of the award-winning television show “Ted …

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Random Thoughts

Soccer to me

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Maybe it was part of the television game plan to educate Americans about the sport that is the most popular worldwide. Thanks to the success of the award-winning television show “Ted Lasso” and the first season of “Welcome to Wrexham” we learned about the nuances of what the world calls football.

Not to be confused with our version of football where 11 heavily padded players on each side smash into each other on every play. The game they call football is what we know as soccer. The eleven players on each side of their football match do occasionally smack into each other but in general it is about finesse and patience.

Currently countries are competing in the World Cup. The competition is organized and run by the International Federation of Association Football known as FIFA. Wait a second! Why isn’t it known as IFAF? When it was founded in Paris in 1904, the French named it the Federation Internationale de Football Association. And as quick as you can say voila, the name FIFA stuck!

Having played soccer in high school and college, I had to adapt to the words used to describe the game being televised from Qatar. For example, in the United States the game is played on a field. In most other countries players compete on the “pitch.” I wondered why it is called a pitch. Luckily for me, I have a translation guide entitled “Nil is Nothing” written by Lord Phineus Wigglebottom, who years earlier discovered athlete’s foot.

On a Friday afternoon in 1804, some lads were drinking pints at the popular pub named Ye Olde Lamb’s Breath. Back then, many drinking establishments in England had names that began with Ye Olde in an attempt to show upstart countries like ours that Britain was around way before George Washington chopped down a cherry tree to make his wooden teeth.  

After a few pints, the lads began discussing the idea of playing a sport that involved kicking a ball. Their goal was to eliminate the use of their hands to better hold on to their libations. The problem was no place existed to set up a playing area. Luckily, there was a nearby cricket field. In cricket a ball is “pitched” to an opponent wielding a bat that looks like a paddle used in college fraternity initiations. The cricket players were runoff by the lads who soon were kicking a ball around on ground they called a “pitch.”

Watching the current World Cup on television, I often heard the word “nil.” The word is used to mean a score of zero. Unlike American football where the teams actually score points throughout the game, often those playing on a pitch never score a goal. You can watch for the full 90 minutes plus added time, and even with the infrequent shot on goal, the ball rarely goes in the net. Matches often end nil to nil or as we call say zero to zero. For those who like to wager, I recommend taking the under.

The game has had a hard time getting television ratings on our shores. We are not accustomed to watching a game that lacks repeated time outs that allows for commercials for beer and the seemingly hundred companies that try to sell you a Medicare supplement plan on the advice of William Shatner, Joe Namath and J.J. Walker. 

Whether you call it football or soccer, I recommend you sample a few matches in this World Cup. In this crazy world we live in, it is a good thing that countries can meet on a field and compete in a game that involves good sportsmanship and not lethal weapons.

Hudson Cooper is a resident of Sullivan County, a writer, comedian and actor.

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