Using a mondegreen in a song by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, “The Weigh In Is the Hardest Part.” For as long as I can remember, stepping on a scale has been a part of my morning ritual. For my readers, a mondegreen is a misinterpretation of a phrase or lyric that alters the original meaning.

My lifelong fluctuating weight began with Cap’n Crunch cereal.            Growing up, cereal companies sometimes introduced their new item by sending a small box in the mail. At some point in the fifth grade, I opened a trial box of Cap’n Crunch. Eating the first spoonful awakened my sugar-craving sweet tooth. My brain became wired for sweetness. Of course, the increase in caloric content led to an increase in my waist that continued for years. Shopping for clothes for the new school year meant a trip down the aisle labeled “Husky.” It was a nightmare for boys to have to wear the Husky brand. As a reminder that you were overweight, the inside waistband had the word “Husky” in big print. Of course, you only saw it before you put your pants on. In most cases, once dressed, your belly eliminated any chance of seeing a belt or waistband. Looking back at pictures of my middle school years, I looked like Oliver Hardy stuffed into Stan Laurel’s clothes.

My first attempt at weight loss began in the summer before I entered high school. I was inspired by a boy going home in a day camp bus that drove past my house and took the opportunity to bully me. As I walked home, he leaned out the bus window and shouted at me, “hello chubby.” As his campmates roared with laughter, I ran into my house. His words upset me enough that I decided it was time to go on a diet and exercise regime. Too embarrassed to be seen jogging outdoors, I took advantage of our large basement and began doing laps indoors. I did those three times a day. Eventually, I added sit-ups to my regimen. I would get on the floor in front of a television and do sit-ups as I watched some shows. By the time September rolled around, I had lost so much weight that my mom took me clothes shopping without dealing with the dreaded Husky aisle. I felt like a new young man with a growing sense of confidence.

Unfortunately for me, food was my go-to method of dealing with stress as I grew older. My post-college years saw my weight fluctuate in what is known as a “yo-yo diet.” My poundage went up and down like a yo-yo. I had pants, shirts and jackets in a wide range of sizes to cover the thirty-pound weight swings.

I have tried many types of diets over the years. The strangest diet I ever heard of was demonstrated years ago by a fellow actor. He called it the “5 bite diet.” Instead of counting calories or worrying about ingredients, he limited himself to five mouthfuls of food a day. I am talking about full mouthfuls, cramming in as much as he could. He would ball up a slice of pizza loaded with toppings and pack it in his mouth. Cheeseburgers would be stuffed between his lips like John Belushi on the cafeteria food line in “Animal House.” I innocently asked him about eating salad. His quick response of “Salad is a waste of time” was followed by watching him chew up and swallow three meatballs and a lot of spaghetti in one mouthful.

Of course, I would not recommend his diet plan to anyone. The bottom line is that if you burn more calories than you absorb, you will lose weight. The more exercise you do, the more calories you use up.

So, I try to go to the gym four days a week, walking and running on the treadmill as I watch movies or listen to the Rolling Stones on my cell phone. Speaking of treadmills, even if you do not use an external input like I do, try placing a towel over the time clock/calories readouts. Without the constant reminders, time flies!

I am not alone in a lifetime of dealing with weight. But luckily for me, I have found a happy medium, although I now wear a large.

Hudson Cooper is a resident of Sullivan County, a writer, comedian and actor.