Someone was recently ripped off in Brooklyn and so posted this letter:

Dear Criminals:

Please steal from corporations. Not from mom, musicians and kids. Jeez! I have a hard time just existing. Today was a lot. 

I’ve been on tour so I didn’t get to check my lost food stamp card status and so, I went to Brooklyn today because that’s where you have to replace a missing card. I used it at C-town on Ave C and the swipe wasn’t working so they punched in the numbers. 

I tried to use it at Whole Foods in Philly and the swipe wasn’t working there either. They punched in the numbers and said it didn’t work. Got the managers; did it again and they said it didn’t work. I was like…I’m pretty sure it did and just got double charged! 

We were standing around for so long my kid had enough and just left with the two bags. They were like…did he just walk out and I was like…looks like it. They banned me from the store FOREVER and I was like…okay, whatever I’ll come back and just pay for it but I’m pretty sure it went through. Twice!

I tried to use it at CVS and same s#@t. I was like…ugh! Screw this! I need a new card. Then I was on tour forever and I didn’t have time. Back in two weeks. I got to Brooklyn to replace my card. Check the balance 

Nothing. Someone stole it and has been having a blast around Brooklyn and the Bronx. In two months they emptied it out!

I followed procedure and went to Union Square and filled everything out. It wasn’t going well so I did the ‘causing a commotion’ until I got a cool fed-up-with-it-all lady to print out the transactions, etc. Initially, they brought me to a room with a computer to lock my card I was like…LOL! I can do that on my phone! Can we actually not be in the apathetic apocalypse PLEASE? So okay, I submitted two months of stolen benefits. 

It’s a big maybe if I’m getting anything back and it gets refilled months from now, but I got a printout of all the transactions and they used a Chase ATM to somehow withdraw money, which they ended up doing a bunch of times.

1- How did they get my Food Stamps transformed into money and withdrawn from an ATM? 

2- How did they get my card and PIN number.

I’m so tired today, and I need to get back to my cat in Philly, but I want to go to that Chase ATM, deal with the cops, ugh, file a report. And do you think I can cause enough of a commotion to find out who it is since Chase, I’m sure, keeps records? 

They withdrew this month’s stamps just three days ago! I don’t understand how they got this working. Once I find out who it is like…believe me, I have a ‘kazillion’ psycho ideas that aren’t realistic. I want to get paid back and I also what to know how they did it. 

(In other news, I met an extremely informative taxi driver, and I’m not entirely hopeless about my missing luggage. I got a lead and I’m working on it).

And so, about my FS card: I was charged twice at Whole Foods so I’m going to go there with the paperwork like…my son was fed up and hungry, and when he left with those bags I was like…thank you. He had no time to deal with apathetic apocalypse stuff and you guys owe me sixty bucks, and less attitude. Can’t we all be friends? Yeah, we eat the cookies while shopping. You guys throw them out every night. Plus everything in the hot bar gets destroyed and thrown out. Anyway I’m gonna be Causing a Commotion in a Few Days.

RAMONA JAN is the Founder and Director of Yarnslingers, a storytelling group that tells tales both fantastic and true. She is also the roving historian for Callicoon, NY and is often seen giving tours around town. You can email her at callicoonwalkingtours@gmail.com.