“Our company has been retained to mediate on a serious matter under your name and social security number,” says a voice on my answering machine. I think ya’ll know by now that I still have an old school answering machine as part of a telephone unit that’s attached by a wire to my wall. You didn’t know that? Well, now you do!

The voice is that of an authoritative male. I don’t know why, but I picture a man with a beard. The voice leaves a number that I’m told to call to straighten this whole debacle out. I confess, just for the fun of it I’m tempted, but I don’t return the call.

I’d rather just imagine how the call might go; the way ‘they’ would like it to go, which would be something like this:

“Hello. I just received a phone call about a serious matter regarding my social security number,” I say with distress.

“Ah, yes. Could we have your social security number?”

“Of course, here it is.” And then I hand it over along with all my other information including name, address, cell number (though I don’t own one, but let’s just pretend that I do), bank accounts, etc. And then, they ask for money because of course I have to pay to get myself out of this bind. We must ask ourselves; who is falling for this?

Unfortunately, my ninety year-old mother might. She once saw a bunch of warnings flash across her computer screen along the lines of ‘you’ve got a virus,’ call us! And she did. And then she got hacked. And ya’ll know what a mess that can be.

While writing this column, the phone rings. Lacking caller ID, I naturally pick it up. The call went like this:

“Ramona?”

“Yes?”

“Oh, I’m glad you picked up. I was getting my answering machine voice ready. This is Stan Berezniki…”

CLICK. That’s the sound of a heavy old-style phone receiver being placed hard in its cradle. I don’t know Stan and he doesn’t know me. And, worst of all, he was a recorded voice. 

Sometimes when a ‘robo’ calls, I ask questions like, “Are you a real person?” And when it continues to speak, it gets the big fat CLICK. I don’t know what Stan wanted, but he’s gone.

Other incoming junk includes emails with subject lines such as: Hello Dear, Account Locked, Payment Declined, Good Day Dear, Donation from Mrs. Nowak, Greetings, and so on. 

One of my recent favorite emails went exactly like this spelling, lack of punctuation and all: 

Hello:

Sorry this message arrived in your spam folder. (It arrived in my inbox).

Congratulations. It’s my pleasure to announce to you that your fund which was unable to be delivered to you due to logistics is now safely deposited with Deutsch Bank Of Germany. In line with the current IMF policy to boost the world economy that was battered and destroyed by the effect of the COVID-19 pandemic economic meltdown. You are now entitled to receive your money either by direct bank transfer, cheque or bank draft.

To facilitate the release of the funds without any delays, you are required to send the following information:

1. A scan copy of your international passport, driver’s license or national identification card.

2. Your contact address.

3. Your phone number.

4. Your bank account details to receive the money if you want it sent to you by bank transfer.

5. Valid email address.

6. Your occupation.

Regards, Robert Kelvin, IMF Public Relation Office.

There’s so much obviously wrong with this notice, and yet my ninety-years-young mom (now ever astutely on the lookout for scams) advises me not to reply.

RAMONA JAN is the Founder and Director of Yarnslingers, a storytelling group that tells tales both fantastic and true. She is also the roving historian for Callicoon, NY and is often seen giving tours around town. You can email her at callicoonwalkingtours@gmail.com.