Can we talk? I’ll be delicate. One of the side effects of chemo, shall we say, is a blockage of the lower hemisphere. 

After my first infusion, back-door movements (the kind we should never take for granted) just about disappeared…for an entire week, though I did everything the doctors said to do. Took all the recommended OTC meds, etc. I even consulted FB groups where people were having the same issue. I’ll spare you, dear readers, the harrowing details.

In case you’re wondering how this could possibly happen, it’s because chemo targets the fastest dividing cells first; the cancer. Next it goes for the GI track and then to the hair follicles, which is why so many people lose their hair. While the treatment seemed to reduce a key symptom, exit strategies below-the-equator suffered.

The point of this column is what happened the day I tried to book an emergency colonic. FYI: A colonic, also known as hydrotherapy, is an irrigation technique meant to remove accumulations of...you know what.

The first hydro-therapist, a registered nurse with whom I spoke, claimed she’d performed over 5,000 of these unique and special treatments. Great, I thought. When can we start? 

“Not today,” she said, “I’m tied-up in an emergency with my septic system.” 

“No kidding,” I quipped before hanging up the phone in total dismay. 

As soon as the receiver hit the cradle, my daughter called. Her car had broken down while on her way to drop off a stool sample at Fed-X. A stool sample is part of a stool test; a medical diagnostic technique that involves the collection and analysis of...you know what. And it has to be rushed overnight to the lab. There she was stuck at Skinner’s Falls with a stale car and a fresh stool. You can’t make this ‘you know what’ up.

Just in the nick of time, my husband (who hereafter will be referred to as the ‘huz’) got everything moving on that end by meeting her and then delivering said test to The Union in Narrowsburg where it was promptly dispatched. No amount of irony was lost. 

Once back at home, the ‘huz’ searched the internet for a hydro-therapist only to discover they are few and far between. And the ones who actually do exist are very busy. Finally, a hydro-therapist in Rockland County, who said she was ‘backed-up’ with clients, agreed to take me on an emergency visit. In her words, she would find a way to ‘squeeze’ me in. Great! 

The huz and I jumped in the car and headed out only to smell gas (of the gasoline variety) coming from the car ahead of us. It was an awful ride following that car at every twist and turn. 

“At least it’s not going too slow,” the huz commented. We figured it could use a colonic and might even be on its way to Rockland County. But alas, the sputtering car turned off the road around Monticello. 

It was a beautiful day for a drive and I was so thankful that Rockland Colon Care and Hydrotherapy was able to see me. However, after said treatment, I was informed that, initially speaking, it often takes more than one visit to get things moving. Luckily, the next morning I was able to get an appointment closer to home at Rejuvenate Colon and Massage Center in Lake Ariel, Pennsylvania. 

The hydro-therapist, Karen, was a miracle worker; a healer in the truest sense. I still have a ways to ‘go’, so to speak, but I’m getting there. Meanwhile, I’m generally pooped by the whole ordeal. It takes a lot out of you (hopefully) and eventually, I’m told, with a few more sessions things will be back to normal. 

RAMONA JAN is the Founder and Director of Yarnslingers, a storytelling group that tells tales both fantastic and true. She is also the roving historian for Callicoon, NY and is often seen giving tours around town. You can email her at callicoonwalkingtours@gmail.com.