A friend called, “Everyone’s grousing about the UPS box that went missing from Main Street Callicoon!” he shouts before adding, “And I think you should find out what happened!”

“Why me?”

“Because you write for the newspaper.”

“But I’m not a reporter. And specifically not an investigative reporter.” 

I don’t want to be killed.

Please refer to my October 2021 piece, “Columnist vs Reporter,” wherein I contrast the work of Dorothy Kilgallen (1913-1965) with that of Carrie Bradshaw, the fictitious correspondent from the TV show Sex in the City.

Kilgallen was a real person who worked as an investigative reporter for the Hearst owned New York Evening Journal while taleteller Carrie Bradshaw (played by Sarah Jessica Parker) never actually existed. Think of me as Bradshaw, slinking around town fanciful and free of fact checkers.

Evidence showed that Kilgallen was murdered after shoving her nose too far into the Kennedy assassination. Solving the mystery of the missing UPS drop box could get me into lots of trouble. However, I’m always willing to offer ideas (a/k/a opinions) on how to solve the problem. And here they are:

1.   First, look at the incident as a Godsend, an opportunity for improvement. Everyone appreciated the convenience of the drop box, but when it was full, people had to pile packages on top of one another outside of the box risking damage by weather or worse, theft.

2.   Perhaps one of the businesses in town would be willing to act as a UPS facility. This would entail contacting UPS and finding out what’s involved to become an “access point.” Here’s an incentive: The estimated total pay range for an Access Point Representative at UPS is $47K - $72K, which includes base salary and additional pay. The average Access Point Representative base salary at UPS is $58K per year.

3.   Perhaps someone could run this business from home? A motivated person would make good money. Anyone interested might do well by speaking with the proprietors at Narrowsburg Union where they already run an Access Point for both FedEx and UPS.

4.   Perhaps the powers at Narrowsburg Union would be willing to consider opening a UPS annex in Callicoon.

5.   Is there another place in town where the UPS box could be reinstalled? How about Dorrer Drive?

“Have I solved the problem, yet?”

“I think you should solicit all the businesses in Callicoon, get them to write a letter to UPS and…” he continues failing to pick up on cues that clearly say, I’m not interested, and so I push back, “Why don’t you do that?”

“Because I don’t mind driving to Narrowsburg to send my packages by UPS where I can get a cup of coffee and gaze at the river bend from the Tusten Cup. Really, you should take this under your wing and run with it because everyone’s complaining and no one’s doing anything.” Like you, I think, but don’t say.

“No thanks.” I reflect upon my April 2024 column, “Saying No,” and wonder if I’ll have to draw upon it.

“But you’ve already come up with so many great ideas, and what are you going to do when you have something that has to go by UPS?”

“I’m going to be lots more careful when I order from Amazon because my UPS packages are typically returns to Amazon. Besides, I’m a big fan of USPS. Please refer to my October 2021 column “Sundays at the Post Office” and you’ll see exactly what I’m talking about.” Maybe the Post Office can absorb the UPS service?

Hey friend, I hope you’re reading this column because I have one last idea. Now that I’ve provided all the “good ideas” and the steps to accomplish them, why don’t you open a UPS Access Point in Callicoon?