Act One: The Feather Boa

Scene: Art opening somewhere in Sullivan County 

“Your column is too flamboyant,” said a woman in impossibly pink lipstick. 

“What do you mean by flamboyant?” I asked wondering if it were a good or bad thing. While I continued to ponder, she fumbled for words.

Flamboyant, according to Webster, is “a person or their behavior to attract attention because of…exuberance, confidence, and stylishness.” In architecture, it means “of or denoting a style…marked by wavy flame-like tracery and ornate decoration.” I concluded that “too flamboyant” or “flamboyant at all” was to Impossibly Pink probably not a good thing.

“What do you think she meant by that?” I asked my friend, the gardener, after Impossibly Pink walked away.

“She meant, you’re not a reporter.”

“Oh. I’m not.”

“But you must appreciate her honesty about not liking your column.”

“I don’t,” I said, and then flung an imaginary red-feather boa across my neck and huffed.

Act II: Sequins

Scene: Overheard at the bar

“I don’t like how my art’s being displayed,” said Bearded-Man-with-a-Bun to Person-in-Gold-Sequined-Pants. 

“Why?” 

“Look at it. You can’t really see it,” replied Bearded-Man-with-a-Bun.

“I can see it, and it looks just fine to me,” said Gold-Sequined-Person who then sashayed across the room in pants that rasped and reflected light in thin laser beams all over the place.

Act III: Patent Leather Thigh-High Boots

Scene: Overheard while waiting on line for the bathroom

“It’s a group of sculptural works that aim at a void that signifies precisely the non-being of what it represents,” explained the gallery owner in a mid-Atlantic accent that would have bode well on Saturday Night Live.

“The suggestion of performance psychology that emanates from this work involves the viewer with the making process, provoking instinctive responses to these assemblages,” the gallery owner continued. 

“Precarious as they may seem to someone who knows nothing about art,” interjected the artist who was wearing ripped jeans and an oversized white shirt, tails out, and smoking an electronic cigarette. 

“My practice examines hesitation as part of the process of decision-making, where the object is neither the object of the objecthood not the art-object itself, but rather the oblique object of my intentions.” They both looked at me, and so I nodded as if I knew something, and then for no reason at all, I thought about patent leather thigh-high boots and how I’d never wear them.

Act IV: 

Scene: The ride home

“Wasn’t Rick James great?” I said between finger snaps and “ow’s” as my friend, the gardener, and I sang, “Brick House”.

“Yeah, love this song,” agreed the gardener. 

“She’s a brick, ‘haus’, she’s mighty, mighty, lettin’ it all hang out.” We repeated the word ‘house’ several times because we loved the way it sounded and felt, mostly the way it felt between our teeth.

“Yeah, Rick James was so great in this song.”

“Unbelievable.” 

Only Rick James never sang “Brick House.” It was The Commodores. Nonetheless, singing ‘haus’ over and over made us hungry.

Epilog: 

Scene: At Local’s Pizza Shop in Callicoon, NY

“What’d ya havin’?” asked the gardener.

“I can’t decide between the Thai Quinoa Bowl and the Thai Peanut Salad,” I replied. 

“I’m getting the Ramen Noodle with a Braised Beef Broth. But you don’t eat wheat, do you?” 

“No, and I shouldn’t have grains either so I guess I’ll go with the salad even though I’d love to have something warm, but I don’t say that out loud.”

When our meals arrived, I envied his braised beef. Being a southern gent, he offered a taste, but I felt it would drive me crazy, and so I declined. Flamboyant as I may be, I could never be so flamboyant as to order a boring salad, and then take a daring taste of someone else’s broth. That would ruin my meal, and I have my limits with flamboyance, ya know.

RAMONA JAN is the Founder and Director of Yarnslingers, a storytelling group that tells tales both fantastic and true. She is also the roving historian for Callicoon, NY and is often seen giving tours around town. You can email her at callicoonwalkingtours@gmail.com.