While balancing a large garden salad on my lap, an even larger word salad was tossed from my laptop in a single breath. And it went like this: 

“I am a trans-masculine fem, non-binary, temporarily, mostly able bodied, neuro-divergent, obsessive compulsive, chronically-ill, Unitarian Universalist, non-monogamous, demi-low romantic, gray, survivor of acute and complex trauma, millennial, and cat parent in mental health recovery.”

What intrigued me most about this pickled lexicon, aside from the awesome diversity, and the unfamiliar expressions ‘trans-masculine,’ ‘demi-low romantic’ and the random mention of the color ‘gray,’ was the phrase “temporarily, mostly able-bodied.” Feeling green, I wanted to know what it meant, and so I slid down the rabbit hole and heard this:

“It’s not a guessing game for you to play over whether I’m pan or trixic or gram-romantic or anything else. I kind of view myself as a doll. My pronouns are clown and clown-self.”

“Okay,” I said, suddenly concerned that I, too, might be ‘gram-romantic.” The anxiety it produced prompted a deeper dig, and the discovery of a whole new vocabulary clarified by this sower of seeds:

“Of course we have he-him-his-himself and they-them-their-themselves and we also have voy, void, voids, void-self—end, ender, enders, ender-self—pix-pixel-pixels-pixel-self.” 

In this sweet compost pile, I was beginning to lose…myself, and I didn’t want to end up a sad sod. So I continued the harvest, and unwittingly pulled up the latest parent titles:

Dama (dada and mama intertwined), Mada (mama and dada intertwined), Maddy (mom and daddy intertwined), Moddy (mommy and daddy intertwined), Mopa (Mommy and Papa intertwined), and Pom Pom (papa and mom intertwined). And there are many more springing up every day. As a wordsmith and lover of pop culture, I still needed someone to explain these ever growing fields of speech. And, for all of our sakes, found this:

“If you’re considering neo-pronouns for yourself maybe consider a blind react. However…safety first! Before you do either of those things, make sure you’re in a mental state where you will be okay. Are you ready?”

“Yes! I’ve been ready since dawn,” I shot back. And faster than AI, she, I’m sorry her pronoun is it, it transplanted several examples of contemporary English into one tight paragraph. Here is what it said,

“Do you see this person next to me? ‘E’ is my friend. “Xe” has had to put up with a lot to get to where “per” is today. I just want to let “glit” know that “thon” is valid and that “vir” pronouns are valid and that “seir” identity is valid. I wish “void” all the best and even look forward to seeing “xyr’s” lovely content someday. And then it asked me:

“So how did that feel?” 

And I said, “Good.”  Although sometimes it (not you, it). I’m using the word ‘it’ in a prepositional sense. As in, sometimes it feels like the English language is being tilled a bit too much? And then it, surprised me by asking, “Are there any neo-pronouns that stuck out to you that you might want to use for yourself?” 

And I said, “Yessssss.” And reached for my emergency nose. It came in a jar from Amazon. Not you, it. The nose. And I put the nose on, and said….clown-self feels right. And with that it wished all of us good luck on our pronoun journeys. 

I rejoiced knowing that tomorrow, instead of merely deadheading, I’ll be blissfully gardening, for I have finally unearthed the real me. The one that’s been buried for longer than time itself. Itself. That’s a reflexive pronoun, in no way referring to you, it. 

With my new pronouns, which I understand can change multiple times throughout the day depending on mood, I’m also trying on a new name, Bacciagalupe. It’s Italian. Just google it, but watch out for the rabbit holes.

RAMONA JAN is the Founder and Director of Yarnslingers, a storytelling group that tells tales both fantastic and true. She is also the roving historian for Callicoon, NY and is often seen giving tours around town. You can email her at callicoonwalkingtours@gmail.com.